Risotto made easy

I know you can’t believe everything you find on the Internet, but get a load of this article that I recently came across! Truly amazing…

THE GREAT RISOTTO CONSPIRACY

By our whistle-blower in Naples, Buffoni Fiat Tipo di Montalbano

Can you trust a recipe from a country where the politicians bunga bunga, the wine bottles dress to hula-hula and even the ecclesiastical monuments are incapable of standing upright? This is the question the world is asking following today’s startling revelations that risotto can be made with almost no effort at all.

Collezione by man at M&S

The first leak (from a source said to be a Collezione man) confirmed a long-standing rumour that Arborio and other expensive versions of short-grain rice are another food-industry scam. Research at an out-of-town branch of a well-known evil empire reveals that perfectly serviceable short-grain pudding rice is available for only 99p, while near-identical own-brand “risotto rice” is on sale at whopping £1.19. “Go foccacia yourself,” a Tesco manager was allegedly heard to whisper, when our undercover reporter questioned the pricing policy.

Plucky little Gorganzola

Even more staggering, it emerges from cookbooks available on the open market in Italy that any cheese will do. Generations of celebrity chefs have, it seems, hoodwinked the world's public into believing that purse-raping, nostril-assaulting, baby-calf-murdering parmigiano reggiano is essential for a good risotto. Yet it turns out that many cheap vegetarian cheeses are simply delicious.

Indeed, goat is not baaaad at all, especially when combined with grated courgette and toasted pine kernels. Gorganzola, cheddar and even the product labelled only as “cheese” (selected British supermarkets only) are also perfectly acceptable. Delia Smith was unavailable for comment today, but a waiter at a ‘Jamie’s Italian’ outlet was seen brandishing a 1-metre pepper grinder in an aggressive manner.

Stirro ma non troppo

“We like our women chained to a hot stove,” said no official Italian government spokesperson today. “Or topless on daytime television,” he didn’t add. And so to the most shocking revelation of all, namely, that the sacred ritual of adding stock one ladleful at a time and stirring until your arm hurts is utterly pointless. You can simply add all the liquid at once, turn the heat down and bunga off to dance around the leaning tower of Pisa with a nice glass of chianti, while your risotto cooks itself.

Update: Buffoni Fiat Tipo di Montalbano is now resident in Sheremetyevo Airport, near Moscow

Here's a recipe that the article inspired.

Easy-peasy-cheesy risotto

Takes about 45 mins and serves 4. You can halve the quantities, but it will still take the same amount of time, so why would you (see 'Tip of the week' below)?

Ingredients for the basic version

• Olive oil
• A large knob of butter
• 2 biggish onions ­– chopped
• 2 or 3 cloves of garlic – crushed or chopped
• 400 grammes of risotto rice
• 2 glasses of white wine (or water)
• 1.1 litres of hot water
• A stock cube or two
• Herbs (optional)
• Two or three large handfuls of frozen peas (optional)
• 100 grammes of cheese
• Another large knob of butter
• Salt ’n pepper to taste 

Method

Melt the first knob of butter – with the oil – over a medium heat in a large saucepan. Fry the onions gently for 10 to 15 minutes or until transparent and soft. Add the garlic and fry a couple of minutes more. Now add the rice and let it sizzle for two minutes. Next pour in the wine (if using) and breathe in the delicious smell as the alcohol starts to evaporate, before adding the hot water and corresponding quantity of stock cube/powder. You can add dried herbs now too, if you like. Put the lid on, turn the heat down to a gentle simmer and go read a book for 20 minutes, coming back to stir occasionally. (If using peas, add them after 15 minutes or so and temporarily turn up the heat a little so that your risotto comes straight back to a simmer.) When the rice is nice and soft, take it off the heat, stir in the cheese, second knob of butter and salt’n pepper. Leave to stand for a minute or two before nomming greedily with extra grated cheese on top if wished.

Variations on the basic version

Additions to risotto fall into three main camps.

1. Hard things that need lots of cooking and that you need to add with (or soon after) the onions, before the rice goes in. These include: celery, squash, celeriac, beetroot (makes for a fab colour).
2. Soft things that need to be added shortly before the end of cooking (like the peas in the above recipe). These include: spinach, cherry tomatoes and grated courgette.
3. Things that need to be cooked separately (or bought cooked) and added almost at the very end. These include: mushrooms, roasted Mediterranean vegetables and seafood (fishy risottos are nicer without cheese in my view).

This one has red onions, squab (see 1), spinach (see 2) and mushrooms (see 3). 

Vox pops of the week

I went out and about to ask several risotto ingredients how they were feeling...

Risotto à la Raffle

Tip of the week

It’s worth cooking more risotto than you need just so that you can have it refried with an egg on top for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner on subsequent days (known as risotto à la Raffle after its inventor). Put a little oil or butter in a non-stick frying pan, turn up the heat quite high and fry your left-over risotto until the cheese in it goes brown and crispy (stirring and turning occasionally to maximise the browning of the cheese). When nearly done, quickly fry or poach and egg to serve on top, making sure the yellow stays deliciously runny.